Barbara Hunt, MS, LPC, LMFT
Clinical Member,
American
Association of Marriage
and
Family Therapists
5055 W. Park Blvd., #400
Plano, Texas 75093
214-676-3324
Email:
Telesession URL:
THREE IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS:
After being a therapist for a few years, I found myself teaching every person I worked with the same three important life skills, no matter what they were in therapy for.
SKILL #1:
We all come out of childhood with false beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. The little person's mind thinks in black and white, either-or concepts. It's not until around 16 that the brain is capable of abstract thinking. And, not everyone's brain makes this change for whatever reason. Most brains are capable of doing that but our environment or habit may contribute to staying stuck in black and white. But one can make the change later in life.
An example is when a child is small they think their parents are or should be all good and always right and always loving. So when the parent is angry with the child or disappointed in the child and expresses that, the child thinks things like, "I'm bad," "I'm stupid," "I'm unloveable," and other similar negative thoughts. These thoughts cause sad, hurt, depressed, ashamed, confused, worthless feelings.
We carry these beliefs and the resulting feelings on into our adult lives unless we learn otherwise through reading, thinking reflectively, therapy, or experience.
These thoughts and feelings can get "set off" when a spouse or employer expresses disappointment. The next thing to occur is the response or lack of response to the thoughts and feelings. We may say something or we may say nothing.
Identifying our irrational thoughts and changing them to rational thoughts allows us to feel better. If a negative thought is actually true then we have a problem to solve.
The irrational thoughts are called Cognitive Distortions. You can Google the term to learn what the 10 main ones are. And if you're working with me in therapy, I will give you a handout and we'll use it to identify your own cognitive distortions that cause you distress and possible unfortunate reactions with others as we go along.
SKILL #2:
The main problem in almost every relationship of any kind is the inability to express oneself assertively. Assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness. If we don't have these all important communication skills we are unable to ask for what we want and need, say no, handle conflict and disagreements in a win/win fashion, express feelings appropriately, express affection, handle criticism from others, let others know in a kind manner that they are doing something that we find difficult to deal with, and a multitude of others. Lacking these skills we are misunderstood and dissatisfied in life and in our relationships.
You'll learn these skills when you work with me. Then you will need to be brave and use them in your life. This will make you anxious if you've never done this before. And, this leads us to the third life skill.
SKILL #3:
Anxiety, like other emotions, occurs on a continuum of 0 to 10. (See what I did there? First lesson in not thinking in black and white :-)
As anxiety rises, we all can reach a number where we lose control. I arbitrarily say this number is a 7. At 7, our brain and body go into "fight, flight, flee, fawn, or faint." At this number your prefrontal cortex and executive functions go on vacation and the amygdala in the limbic system takes over. The amygdala is the brain's primary structure for the fight-or-flight response. It identifies potential threats, or imagined threats, or overreacts to minor threats, and this triggers the body's stress response. The amygdala processes emotions, especially fear, anxiety, and aggression. When we pass 7 on the anxiety scale, we say and/or do things that we later regret.
I'll teach you how to keep your anxiety below 7 and when that's impossible, what to do to avoid saying or doing things you would never do when you're thinking clearly.
There are many other skills to learn in therapy and use in your life but these are the 3 big ones that I see every single client needing to acquire.